Comments on: Domestic Violence: The Unheroic Rescue

By: Drew Jacob

Drew Jacob — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 04:01:13 +0000

Yeah, that is the lesson I apparently had to learn. Thank you for your comment Jeremy – I think this is your first time posting at Rogue Priest, right? Welcome aboard! I’m starting to view heroism as an emergent quality, rather than something that is ever fully achieved. I wonder what you think of that?

By: Jeremy Ryan Palmer

Jeremy Ryan Palmer — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:07:12 +0000

You were the hero that night, Drew. Through your actions you made a difference to them, and to us. A difference that will ripple out and continue to affect change.
The act of being heroic implies a temporary resolution of a crisis through bravery and quick thinking. It seems that your feeling of not really helping comes from a desire for your actions to have a more permanent resolution, which is more in the “savior” realm of thinking.
It is admirable that you want to be helpful on a longer scale, and perhaps you were, but in the end we must all bear the weight of our own burdens. I hope that woman finds her way out of that situation, just as I hope that man can find a way to change.
Unfortunately no action will force anyone to think, “I am accountable for my actions and right now my actions are hurting another.” People will justify and lie to make themselves appear to be right for an astonishing amount of behavior.
Keep doing right, Drew, and let the ramifications be what they will.

By: If You Can Destroy Them… « Rogue Priest

If You Can Destroy Them… « Rogue Priest — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:08:22 +0000

[...] thanks to a reader’s comment on the Unheroic Rescue, I find myself thinking about power and violence in [...]

By: Drew Jacob

Drew Jacob — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 23:41:58 +0000

WONDERFUL point and thank you for pointing it out, Temple. I’m sorry for what you & your dad had to go through, and glad he was able to get custody. I have never met a man who I *knew* was abused by his wife or girlfriend, but it is the kind of thing most men would hide.

By: templeofathena

templeofathena — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 22:36:53 +0000

As a child of an abusive marriage, I want to point out that men can be abused by women, too. It is not socially acceptable for them to defend themselves when it is a women attacking them. My mother would often hit my father, and I’m talking repeated closed-fist punches with a lot of force. But since he’s a man and she’s a woman, he’s expected to take it. Only once did he raise his hand to defend himself, and he stopped himself before actually hitting back. Imagine if he had called the cops, who do you think they would have arrested? my parents eventually divorced and my father got custody of me and my brother due to my mother being mentally unstable. But when I read about the psychological state of women who have been in abusive relationships, I am struck by how it sounds like my father when he was in that marriage to my mother. He was basically brainwashed. I’m glad that he was eventually able to find the strength to leave, but people frequently judge him when they hear that he got custody of us kids, like he’s some kind of monster for taking us away from our mother. For the record, he gave us a choice about who we wanted to live with, and since she was physically and mentally abusive to all 3 of us, we jumped at the chance to go with him. I thank the Gods that the courts were able to recognize that he was the fit parent, since they are so often biased in the favor of the mother. Single fathers get no recognition and no help, but that’s a whole other issue to talk about.

By: Drew Jacob

Drew Jacob — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 04:11:43 +0000

Rua, this really interested me. Most people have an instinct not to stand out. Your is to stand up for yourself and others. What a wonderful thing. Thank you for writing this.

By: Drew Jacob

Drew Jacob — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 04:10:59 +0000

Thank you, Rua my friend.

By: Rua Lupa

Rua Lupa — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:07:05 +0000

“when I chose to stand up and intervene the instinct to keep my head down and say nothing was overwhelming”

It is interesting to have read that, because every circumstance I’ve come across like that, I’ve had to rein in my urge to step in so that I can properly assess the situation first. People have to tell me to ‘back down’ sometimes and I find it very difficult.

I was raised to defend myself physically because my father was concerned for the well being of his five daughters. He taught us to not let the bully have control and my sisters and I kind of got a little reputation to not be mess with. One of my sisters even accidentally knocked a friend flat who was a lot bigger then her by giving what she intended to just be a friendly punch. Having been trained in wilderness first aid and been a lifeguard for sometime, it becomes a normal reaction as that is part of the job. You have to intervene and that is one reason why I took that job, so that I could help people. Which I suppose is much like these amazing people posting here who’ve worked in shelters and abuse victims programs. You feel the urge to do something and take up that torch in however form you know.

Maybe part of your journey is to take up the torch for abuse victims, to learn and help in whatever way you can. Shelters often need a security guard to come between the victims in the shelter and the abuser whose come to get them. Even if it is a friendly volunteer, they need all the help they can get. This would certainly be in tune with your heroic training wouldn’t it?

By: Rua Lupa

Rua Lupa — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 14:33:07 +0000

Key word here is friend. You were a complete stranger that would be difficult to trust. It is important to consider these things and know what to do if anything like it happens again, yet I still think you did every right thing, as when you left they were with other people and not alone anymore and likely left her to realize that caring people like you are out there and won’t have to settle for an abusive relationship. That circumstance is done, and whats left to ponder is possible future encounters, if ever.

By: Drew Jacob

Drew Jacob — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 05:19:08 +0000

Chase, that is an incredibly rich and heartfelt response. I can tell we think in a very similar way. Thank you for taking the time to write that.

I do wonder though about the difference between police and citizens. I always get the sense that police feel they will not be punished – certainly in the Twin Cities, where I know the situation best, the police who abused people during the Republican National Convention faced very little in the way of disciplinary measures. On the other hand, and individual citizen like the guy I confronted could certainly end up in jail.

In others words, the power of the camera lies in fear of the police. The police don’t fear the police, so the camera has little power over them.