Everybody’s horrified of aging. I worry I won’t be as sexy or I’ll lose my edge physically. It will be many years before I’m at risk of losing my edge mentally yet somehow, I worry about that too.
A lot of these worries are in our heads. I don’t think it’s very often that we actually spend time with people over the age of 50, at least not for those of us in our 20s and 30s. Lately I’ve had a chance to spend a lot of time with older couples and older friends. It struck me that the biggest difficulty they face is the one we almost never think about.
Being Alone
I’m no big fan of marriage. That’s not just because I’m divorced, it’s because I’ve had a chance to counsel all kinds of couples before they go on to get married. People like asking a priest or minister for some kind of spiritual advice on getting married. The advice I give is, do what makes economic sense. Marriage is generally about property and finances. It’s not about love—you don’t need marriage to have love. It’s about making this stable foundation or business partnership on the hope that it will be a stronger future for your family.
Some of the couples I’ve counseled are still together, others are divorced. Even the divorced ones are a little better off because if they took my advice they all had prenups and saved thousands of dollars on the divorce.
(Here’s how un-pro-marriage I am. I think the gay marriage “crisis” in the US would be best solved by taking marriage away from everyone. It’s not a legal matter, it’s a religious sacrament. If marriage is a sacred heterosexual institution in your church, some kind of X-rated morality play, that’s fine. We don’t need to debate your sacraments in Congress. For legal purposes, let’s say everyone can designate one individual as their health insurance partner and be done with it.)
So it surprised me to realize this:
Your spouse is your biggest asset when you age.
I regularly get to see older couples who hate each other. They fell out of love decades ago, stayed together for the kids or appearances or whatever, and now it just doesn’t make sense to leave. Maybe they don’t think they can date or maybe finances are an issue. When you’re 65 it’s hard to play the field.
But that’s an excuse. The real reason is: you need someone who can double check your memory. Someone who will see you if you fall. Someone who can help you keep your house running when both of you move at the speed of arthritis.
Most of society ignores the elderly, and your kids will only make limited time for you. That means that your spouse will eventually become your single most important asset: the bulk of your safety net, your advocate and your caregiver. This won’t be true for everyone, but it’s a good bet.
Being Trapped
I’m not saying marriage is the only solution. I know many older individuals who are happy and successful on their own. The key for all of them is that they laid a groundwork earlier in their life. They’re single because they decided they’re happiest that way. And they spend their resources accordingly. The ones I know have a paid-off residence, a strong network of friends and they remain active in their professional sphere.
To have those three things at 60, you have to start when you’re 45. Earlier is better.
So if the idea of marriage makes your skin crawl, fine, but make some other plans. Being old and alone sucks. And it’s commonplace. Aloneness is the number one cause of sadness among adults over the age of 57 (says I).
At the same time, I’ve met very happy older couples. Couples who still have that playful attitude with each other, and make a point of socializing together. Sometimes they bicker just as much as anyone else but you can tell it’s just amusing to them. They might not be sexually active anymore but they still touch each other.
That’s called love.
I promote this free lifestyle and for me it’s solo travel to find the gods. But I don’t recommend that for everyone. You need personal freedom too, but yours will be different from mine. Here’s what’s not different: love. We all need love, and we all need someone to tell us where we put the ice cream scooper when we’re 60.
Don’t confuse aloneness with freedom. Either find your soul mate or learn how to do alone right.
Do you ever confuse aloneness with freedom?
Drew Jacob, Rogue Priest
June 28th, 2012 at 8:09 am
Nope. :) That’s likely because I’ve spent time alone and caged, and I’ve spent time partnered and free.
Other than that, I can’t say as I have a lot to say here. This one really made me shrug. Yep, you’re not thrilled with the civil institution of marriage. Yep, having someone by your side as you age can be a (literal) lifesaver. (Inserting here: not just as you age, as Shoryl’s illness showed.)
I do think, however, that this is a message that really does need to be heard and absorbed by many of the jet-setting, world-traveling entrepreneurs. Marriage, or any other long-term partnership may not be for you, but you at least need to look at both the benefits and costs.
June 28th, 2012 at 11:04 am
I don’t think I’m pro marriage. I think that the way we have set it up has killed what maybe it started out as being (maybe)- or not. I don’t think that god/s give a shit if we are married or not, if we divorce, or if we screw every 5th person/animal we come across, but that’s probably a different post entirely.
I have no idea if the national average is correct or just a number they give us to make us act in a particular way, but if it’s even near correct, half of marriages end in divorce, and that does NOT account for the number of people staying married and carrying on on the side, or the people staying for the kids, or the people staying because they are too fucking scared to leave. Clearly we are doing something WRONG.
To me, it’s all about honesty. We say we teach our kids not to lie, but we aren’t honest at all with our spouses, and if we dare to be, our truths are often met with defensiveness etc. Most relationships are based on egos- people are “getting” what they “need” from the other, and when that stops (lots of times after children, but not always) one or the other or maybe both find what they “need” from other people. These are all generalizations of course. Not all end up this way. There ARE marriages out there that provide one another the personal freedoms to truth tell, at least maybe enough to be able to stay married.
Love doesn’t require marriage. It would be nice if we stopped raising our kids to believe they should all go to college, get a career in their major, get married, have kids, work hard to save up for “someday”, and if they make it together that long, retire.
For some reason people seem to think that they are supposed to also feel “in love” at all times. I think many people miss the spiritual side of relationships- not only with their spouse but with all of humanity and nature. People would have to drop their egos and stop focusing on how other people are “failing” them. It’s a big subject and contains lots of moving parts.
Anyway, having gotten married at 20 and still being married 15 years later, we decided at some point that it was smarter to talk about getting divorced than deciding that talking about it would make it happen, somehow against our will. So far, the marriage wins out, but if and when the need arises, we’ll talk about it again. We are still learning how to be honest, as honest as the other can handle, and to make sure there is plenty of room for growth for each of us. It’s by far the hardest relationship I have, as well as the most comforting. Raising kids feels easy compared to navigating through this lifetime with a partner in crime- one I have literally grown up with, but one whose feelings also count, sometimes run counter to mine, and he comes with his own set of likes and dislikes and needs and requirements and we have different outlooks due to our being different people. ;) The magic of human-ness.
Does it sound funny that I am saying that I am deeply and spiritually involved and in love with my spouse and that I oppose marriage at the same time?
June 29th, 2012 at 11:53 am
It doesn’t sound funny to me. To use a term you probably won’t like, it sounds enlightened :) (Or here’s one you might like better: sounds like you’re a veteran.)
Also:
I think your generalizations are quite astute.
Thanks for sharing something so personal Nicki. It’s very helpful to see how you’re able to sustain something so complex and difficult as a 15 year marriage.
June 28th, 2012 at 12:08 pm
PS- I know everyone believes differently, but I don’t believe there’s only ONE person out there for each of us. I think we find our Selves all over the place.
June 28th, 2012 at 2:09 pm
There are a lot of things you’ve said in your post I disagree with and could argue strongly against but I just don’t have the spoons today. I do completely agree with you though on the love thing; we all need love, and infact, I think John Lennon was right when he said ALL you need is love. Imagine if we all really loved each other-how much happier and better cared for we’d all be. But that’s neither here nor there.
June 28th, 2012 at 2:12 pm
One point: Those older happy people also might be sexually active! I have sexually active clients in their 70s. Just because the over-culture tells us that sex is for the young, doesn’t mean we have to believe it.
My mother is in her mid-80s and happy. She exercises daily, eats well, laughs, and spends time with friends, children, and grandchildren. She is un-partnered, but not alone. We need a certain amount of positive interaction to remain healthy.
I agree that the government should get out of the marriage business.
June 28th, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Oh, I totally agree – I didn’t mean to imply all couples of that age stop being sexually active.
June 28th, 2012 at 4:06 pm
I never confuse aloneness with freedom. I consider the choice to love and be with whomever one loves without restriction as true “free love” — a love that isn’t squandered, given away cheaply to crowds of strangers, or forced to conform into any society’s box — taking away the right for people to be together of their own free will is to deny the happiness of others.
I’m 41 and I’m already feeling the effects of not having the asset of a partner, especially since I am disabled. Doesn’t matter what age, having a partner to help me when I can’t remember things and drive me back from the hospital… it would be nice, yet there is nothing more depression-inducing than having to depend upon another person to take care of yourself. Fighting for my health has made me very un-sexy. No one wants to date someone with the financial baggage and restrictions from medical bills. I have attempted to date, met nice people, but when it gets too personal, they lose interest as soon as they consider me only the sum of my problems. Better to give up on relationships (forget about marriage) if it means one person has to lean on the other too much — because then one partner’s problems end up taking away their freedom and it won’t nurture both parties. If ever my health were to get too bad, the last thing I would want is to turn a boyfriend into a nurse, or make them feel obligated to stay because I need help. Either way, I can see that translating into a resentful, unhealthy relationship in old age.
On the other hand, caring for an unwell or dying partner can be a very moving, wonderful, loving relationship. I’ve known couples who are so strong! It makes me wonder: why can’t we all have that? Hell, why don’t we all love like that?
Living the Solitary Life is, for some of us, both by choice and by chance. I have to rely on myself because I have no other choice. That, in itself, sometimes feels like a big hunk of my freedom is cut off — not having the freedom to choose from more options other than “it’s this or dying” is a major obstacle to happiness.
I just got back out of the hospital last night (over nothing hugely major, don’t worry) and doctors always tell me “don’t you have anyone to rely on to take you home?” I always smile and say “just myself, thank you” and this surprises some. I get the “Are you sure you don’t have anyone you can call?” No. I have friends, but they have lives. When my friends find out I’ve been in the hospital for a few days, they always get angry and say, “Why didn’t you call me?” or “You went ALONE?!” Many people do not know what it is like to ultimately face anything alone, especially an illness. I’ve been called pathetic, that I “need someone” and people feel sorry for me, and that used to make me cry because I thought maybe they were right, but perhaps I’ve got it right. Perhaps I should feel sorry for those who can’t be alone? No matter. I struggle with wanting to be alone yet also wanting companionship. What is better?
Yet I have no choice. I accept that being alone is the most natural thing to be in this world. However… when I’m in a hospital bed with an IV stuck in my arm, I close my eyes and imagine I’m not alone. I people my room with friends both living and gone and this takes away my discomfort. Because, when I am alone, I do not feel alone.
There is nothing more wonderful than to walk alone with the whole world as your companion.
June 28th, 2012 at 4:21 pm
Hmmm… one more thing needed to be said: you could say the same about friends — “Are your friends an asset?” Is your family, too? But most importantly…
How much of an asset are YOU to the ones you love?
My grandmother, Madeline Belt, left my family with this written phrase: “Never burn your bridges, because you never know who will be left to take care of you”
I’ve always remembered that whenever I had to take care of or deal with a cranky old family member who is ailing. I translated what she said to mean, “Better to forgive, understand, love, and nurture people around you because you never know when you will have to depend on them.”
Something to really think about.
June 29th, 2012 at 7:42 pm
I’ve thought about marriage a lot. Like most others, I was raised to “expect” to get married without ever really thinking about it. But I didn’t date until after college, and I’ve never been interested in being in a relationship just to avoid being alone.
But my most recent relationship has shown me the wonderful things about being in a really good relationship: the way that you really can balance each other and help each other to grow. And yes, also the hard things, like when you disagree and can’t find easy resolution. But for the first time, I feel like I can say, “Yes, I would like to be in a relationship” and not feel like I’m being needy or pathetic: because the kind of relationship I would like to be in is the kind that simultaneously supports me and stretches me. The kind that helps me to be the best version of myself that I can be. Which absolutely requires that it is strong enough to be based on truth. That doesn’t require that it be a life-long relationship, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be.
I can’t for the life of me remember where I read or heard this, but someone once said that the time to marry someone is if you can really, honestly say that if they became utterly and completely helpless tomorrow, you would want to be the one to care for them.
I’ve never had a strong opinion about whether there is One Right Person for everyone, but I have always been afraid that I won’t find someone to love, that everyone will look at me as some pathetic spinster. I’ve decided that I want real, deep, fulfilling relationships in my life, and I will look for them and try to trust that they will appear, whether as short-term partners, long-term partners, or friends. And if I find the kind of love described above, I will be very grateful. I hope I will also be graceful enough to remember that you will not feel like you are In Love all the time, that nothing is all sunshine and roses, and that love is not a noun, it’s a verb. I think that may be what makes the difference: remembering that loving someone is about how you treat them, all the time, not just the warm fuzzy feelings you have when it’s easy.
Also, random side note: Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Committed” is her debate with herself as she and her love are deciding whether to marry. They’ve both gone through horrific divorces and have committed to each other for life, but are forced to consider legal marriage due to immigration status issues. She weaves in an artful consideration of the history of marriage in the West and the idea of marriage in other cultures. If you’re interested in this topic, I highly recommend it.
June 29th, 2012 at 11:14 pm
I really like what you said:
“that the time to marry someone is if you can really, honestly say that if they became utterly and completely helpless tomorrow, you would want to be the one to care for them”
I think that is a wonderful attitude to have! I only wish everyone thought that way, but they do not.
I would add this to it, however:
“After you think you’re ready to marry because you want to be there through sickness and health, concentrate first on being fully who you are as an individual, not just emotionally, but financially. When you can take care of your own bills and business, make your own sound decisions, take care of your own health and well being, then you can truly prepare to live with someone you love.”
Once you’re single in your 40s, only a few ignorant people badger you for staying single, especially if you are single and childless! What matters is how you feel about yourself and that you can confidently say and believe that you can meet someone half-way when it comes to co-mingling your mutual assets on the table.
I don’t want to beat myself up, but I often feel unworthy because my relationships failed and, too often, in our society I would be seen as damaged goods. Yet, hey! Even with my share of problems, I am a fiercely loyal and loving friend (right, Drew?) — but this subject stubs my heart.
After reading this blog post, it made me realize I have to finally sit down and figure out how to handle the rest of my life as a solitary person. I have to think practical and keep on building toward independence… because people like me have no other choice but to be our own partners.
June 30th, 2012 at 9:09 am
PREACH IT on being solid as your own person. Couldn’t agree more!
June 30th, 2012 at 10:27 pm
YAY! I learned me some lessons, dear lady. :-)
June 29th, 2012 at 11:17 pm
Yeah. This is going to inspire a blog post out of me this weekend. But on a totally different level. :-)
July 2nd, 2012 at 2:21 am
One of the best ones you’ve written Drew. The paragraph with the reference about gay marriage is priceless, unique, and worthy of consideration I feel.
July 4th, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Not having a spouse, I resisted reading this post. I was sure it wasn’t meant for me. Reading the latest post led me directly into this one and I got curious. Very good after all Drew. Thank you. I was recently trying to articulate what I think I’m missing, not *really* searching for, but wish I had if wishes came true. And I see it here. Someone to grow old with, to take care of and to be there to take care of me, to DO life with thru thick and thin, a partner in life. I am afraid of growing old alone. But how in the world do you find that person? It has been so elusive for me.