There’s a force that permeates the time of our youth. A feeling that colors the world.
I’m not sure if we feel it in the moment, or if we add it to our youthful memories much later. Does it matter? The decline or absence of this force in present life strikes the soul like hammer. There is something that fades, and we miss it horribly.
I’ve practiced awareness meditation for a decade. In time, that meditation has branched and evolved. It’s allowed me to experience the amazing heights and depths of the human heart. It became possible to look candidly at what I am, and make effective changes to my being.
Recently I asked myself the question: what laws of my reality are actually circumstances I’ve chosen?
It’s amazing what parts of the world you can change with your mind when you have the huevos to call Reality a big fucking liar.
The answer, for me, is my concept of age and purpose. I “lost” six years by not pursuing my dream. Part of me resents it bitterly. Sometimes I think: I missed my chance. I mourn for a twentysomething who never was, but whom my 14 year old self was convinced he could create.
How sad would it be if I spent the next 10 years grieving for how I spent the last 10 years? A wasted life. Avoiding that fate requires a choice.
Do I do what I’d always dreamed of then, now? “Better later than never”?
Or settle upon different goals for a different stage of my life—leave behind youthful endeavors as the stuff of a different age?
It’s a question of fatal struggle versus stoic peace. I always side with fatal struggle, and there I find my serenity. To me, struggling against the odds represents knowledge: it’s the only way to know your true potential. Stoic peace seems like fake peace, an artifice to comfort us in our defeat.
So this is the project I put before myself: cultivate youthfulness.
Today I began to meditate on fond youthful memories. I paid attention to that force that colors them. What is this force? Where does it come from? What about then-me is so admirable?
How do you feel when you feel young?
And can you sow that feeling?