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Unfortunate Search Strings

And now for something much more serious. More serious, yes, than comparative levels of penetration of progressive values in marginalized philosophies. Whew.

Today it’s time to answer questions from Google!

Yay!

Every day scores of people find their way to Rogue Priest with unfortunate search strings. I’m sure some of them eventually get their answers elsewhere, like all the World of Warcraft players looking for strategy advice (sorry!). But I feel a little guilty that Google dropped them here and they didn’t get what they needed.

So, in a lower-effort version of answering viewer mail, I’m answering viewer search strings. If you’re one of the poor souls who searched for these, (a) welcome to the site (b) glad you stuck around and (c) here are your answers at long last.

rogue preist+drew jacobs

It’s Jacob, singular, like the prophet.

Also your syntax is wrong. Also, everything else.

ex girlfriend is horrible to me

Are you still sleeping with her? If so, stop. Horribleness will probably decline when you make a clean break. If you’re not sleeping together, start. Clearly she wants you.

how to sell world domination summit ticket

You can’t. The deadline is past. Sad.

priest are arrogant

Not all priest!

thailand business attire

Reggae-themed clothing is a hit in any setting there. You think I’m kidding, but you’ll see.

i ensure the night

Most excellent search string so far. This is actually really poetic. Or it seemed like it at first. But if you think about it, the night is going to come every evening no matter what—there’s really nothing short of Ragnarok that can change that. So this is kind of like ensuring teenagers will be horny. Can you monetize it?

how can i break my ankle myself?

Get off my blog.

not good enough, copying people, feeling like a burden, unsatisfied, ugly 

Wow.

This one worried me at first. Somebody feels that low? Then I realized the person searching for this isn’t thinking of themselves. They’re listing symptoms they see in someone else and trying to figure out what mental issue it is. So someone does feel that low, but they aren’t coming directly to me for help.

Tell your friend to get a waitress pad.

pagan vs catholic

The Catholics won.

genocide hypothesis causes

foot stress fractures caused by vibram 5 fingers

I’m sorry.

we need more heroes guys

YEAH!

how weight acceptance is making us overweight

It isn’t. It’s helping people address a solvable health problem (shame and stress), while educating them about the true effects of dieting (usually weight gain). I used the think the same thing though. I recommend this blog if you care.

“fat acceptance” portions

Interesting hypothesis.

can you pull an all nighter to fix jet lag

Works every time.

can i reduce my shoe size by building up my arches?

Signs point to yes.

sitting in a chair while you sleep

…is awesome.

can someone be a hero and not help others

I’m tempted to say no. I’m curious what Rogue Priest readers think though. Assuming “others” can be abstract things like helping the environment, I can’t imagine heroic action that doesn’t help others. Otherwise what would it be? A mental exercise? Being a hero for accepting who you are?

Any thoughts?

L Days cover_front only_half size

My book Lúnasa Days is available on Kindle and in paperback. Get your copy here.

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Writing

How to Write a Blog

Lately several people asked me how I write such a popular blog. I was nervous about answering. My trade secrets are a proprietary blend of strategy, training and raw gut instinct… like a bear on a motorcycle.

But I love you guys, so I’m sharing those secrets with you today.

How You Write So Good?

There are five things you need to write a good blog. They are:

  1. A laptop that is the same color as your ear buds and your phone. Mine are kind of a zodiac blue. Like Mega Man meets Philip K. Dick. But you have to chose a different color, that one’s mine.
  2. You have to listen to moody, inspiring electronic music with ethereal female vocals. This’s what I always listen to while I write and my blog is taking off pretty good, so it must work. Try seeding your play list with Metric’s Gimme Sympathy, and the bands Kill Hannah, Jes, Goldfrapp, and ATB. Or just eat this playlist.
  3. Maintain unhealthy work habits. Everyone knows the greatest writers of the last two centuries were strung out on opium and acid respectively. But that shit’s expensive! I find that you can be almost as unhealthy just by pushing yourself to stay up writing till 3:30 am. My most popular posts were forged in those hellish fires.
  4. Cuss like an HBO special. It never hurts and it often helpsSee also: the paragraph above.
  5. Dance Breaks! When no one is around, or I think no one is around, I periodically get up and dance around my work area like I’m on some kind of early 2000’s music video. My dancing is not particularly good, but it is enthusiastic, and sometimes I sing about my blog post topic as I dance. Or I just cuss.

If you follow all these tips your blog will soar like a feathered serpent over Mexico.

You thought I was kidding.

The truth is I learned how to write a blog from Chris Guillebeau. I started with his free ebook 279 Days too Overnight Success. It isn’t the only influence on how I started this blog, but the basic ideas he puts forth were my stepping stones as a beginner. I recommended it, and you can get it for free here.

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